The Way I Loved You
by cosmictrap
Summary: Jess is with Ryan, but she can feel how different the relationship is than with Nick. She tries to push that down, but it doesn't go away. [ A mini-multific in which Kai and Nick aren't a thing ].
1. Chapter 1

**_The Way I Loved You_**

 **I**

Jess is standing in a powder blue dress, waiting behind the glass doors of her apartment entrance. Her eyes search the length of the road, looking for signs of Ryan's car. She knows he'll be on time, but she feels impatient anyway, not particularly excited about the new restaurant that he was so eager to try out. But he always did so much for her, and she feels guilty for not returning the favour. She supposes that this is the least she could do.

She unconsciously runs her hands over the skirt of her dress, trying to straighten the non-existent wrinkles. She is not particularly nervous; only trying her best not to let herself get into her own head. She has been doing that a lot lately, and that almost always results in her standing in front of _his_ bedroom at two in the morning, wringing her hands nervously.

Truth was that Jess was happy with Ryan. Or was 'content' the right word? Ryan was everything a girl could want, with his perfect British accent and ridiculous gallantry. He was sensible, and so incredible in every she could possibly think of.

This is now a mantra that plays on a loop in the back of her mind. It is almost like she is doing her best to convince herself of his perfection, pretending that the other voice, whispering " _too perfect",_ didn't exist.

Her colleagues were jealous of her relationship with him; they tell her the same almost everyday, ruing how lucky she was. Outside of school, her single friends are jealous of how perfect he was as well, and she's even had committed friends admit to her that Ryan was a "dreamboat".

He is more thoughtful than any of the men she's been with, and always said just what she needed to hear. _He_ on the other hand, would always speak his mind, whether or not she wants to hear it. It makes her trust _him_ more, despite everything, and she wishes it wasn't so. She knows that her thoughts were heading towards dangerous territory, but she can't help herself.

She is shaken out of her thoughts as she sees a familiar car pulls up in front of the entrance. She hurries out of the door, shivering slightly at the cold breeze. Ryan is already out of the car, smiling at her warmly as he holds the door open for her. She smiles gratefully at him as she slips into the car.

"You look beautiful tonight," he says, turning to look at her after he puts on his seat belt.

"Thank you, Ryan," she says, a small smile on her face, trying not to think about how no matter how many times he said it, it doesn't feel the way it did when _he_ used to say those words.

Everything about the way she'd loved _him_ was different.

* * *

 **A/N: Part 2 is ready. Will be up _sooner than you think._**

 **Also, let's assume that Nick and Kai aren't a thing in this fic. :)**

 **And please be a little patient with this fic because I'm being a little experimental on this one. The entire fic actually ready, but needs some time fine-tuning it. It's short and has only 3 parts.**

 **I know, I know, this could've easily been an OS. But I wanted each part to have a certain distinction, which was why it was important that the fic be in 3 parts.**

 **And yeah, this is based on the Taylor Swift song. Lol.**


	2. Chapter 2

**II**

After 4 months of dating, he'd not made her wait around before he took her to London to meet his parents. Jess appreciates that he's respected her space, and had given her time. Knowing that it was only fair that she extend the same courtesy to him, she asks him to spend Christmas in Portland with her. He's more than happy, and she knows that _he_ is not. She tries not to think about why that makes her feel a little hopeful.

She is now sitting in the kitchen of her father's house, sipping on her morning tea, musing over how close Ryan had gotten to her mother (with all the baking tips that rolled off of his tongue, that was a guarantee).

She watches Ryan talk business with her father and she knows her father is impressed, and that that was an achievement. Strangely, she doesn't dwell on that too much, neither does she bother asking her father too many questions about what he thought of Ryan. Her father notices, but says nothing.

In that moment, she feels petulant that her father hadn't liked _him_ that much. She still wishes he would, and the thought catches her by surprise. It was still a common occurrence, catching herself thinking of things like these. She still hasn't been able to break out of her habit of standing in front of _his_ room late in the night, muttering curses at his name for putting her in a predicament where she wasn't even sure what to do or even who to blame.

In an attempt to push all those thoughts away, she stares at Ryan for some time. Sensing her gaze, he looks at her and she gives him a half-hearted smile, not entirely reaching her eyes. The fake smile on her face feels very foreign to her, and because _he_ always could, she hopes that Ryan doesn't see through it.

He doesn't.

He smiles at her warmly before turning back to talk to her father. It unsettles her that she isn't bothered by it. She's a little upset that the comfortable camaraderie that the two shared unsettled her when it should make her feel safe because wasn't that what she'd always wanted? Wasn't it the absence of the very same thing that had made her feel better about letting _him_ go?

It always seemed to come down to _him._ It frustrates her to no end. She begins the well-practiced speech in her head. Their relationship was intoxicating, and damaging to their friendship, she tells herself. It never had the simplicity of the comfort she has with Ryan, though she would admit to herself some nights that she missed the mess that they'd both been.

Despite those mindful confessions, she knows that they were coming a little too late and that there's no going back now. Something had gone wrong somewhere, and there was nothing to be done to repair the damage. She decides that she'll learn to love Ryan the way she'd loved _him._

But when Ryan tells her that he loves her that evening, her throat dries up and she simply stares at him mutely.

* * *

 **A/N: Next part, the final one (will be up very soon), will have Nick in it, I promise. And Ness is definitely endgame.**

 **Any guesses as to what she'll end up doing in the next chapter?**


	3. Chapter 3

**III**

It's 2 a.m.

"Stupid Nick!" she keeps muttering, half-heartedly, because she knows it's not really his fault, but it's nice to have someone to blame.

She's standing outside his door again, staring, wringing her hands nervously. She knows this will be like any other night. She'll stand there for a few minutes before sighing and return to her room to fall into uncomfortable sleep.

Today, she almost knocks, biting down on her lip.

Today, he opens the door.

She freezes and stares at him, a clammy hand hovering midair. He stares back, not even bothering faking surprise. He watches her quietly, waiting for her to say something. When she doesn't, he sighs softly and opens the door wider before going inside. Nervous, she follows him and closes the door behind her.

She turns around to look at him but doesn't move. She leans against the door and he sits on his bed, staring at her questioningly. The sight is so familiar it hurts. But his soft gaze on her fills her with a warmth she hasn't felt in a while. It makes her smile a little. He tilts his head to one side and looks at her curiously.

"Jess?" he says at last when she seems nowhere close to telling him why she was outside his door.

He knows she's made a habit of it. He's stared at the shuffling feet blocking the light under his door with bated breath for many nights.

He'd lost patience tonight.

She'd come back from Portland only that morning without _him_ , and he's been on edge ever since he's heard her bedroom door click open.

"Ryan was charming," she says finally and holds his gaze. "Endearing, in fact. I was quite comfortable with him."

 _Was._

He tries not to dwell on that.

"But you..." she chuckles, shaking her head. "You're crazy."

"Jeez, thanks, Jess," he says, rolling his eyes. "Is that what you wanted to tell me all these nights?"

She blushes but doesn't deny what he is implying. Instead, she crosses her arms and looks at the floor, shifting her weight on both feet.

"Look, Nick," she starts, and he can hear the nervousness in her voice. "I know it was frustrating and even complicated at times. A-A roller coaster kinda rush, you know?"

"Yeah, I know, Jess," he sighs, not liking wherever this seemed to be going. "I was there."

"We were so in love," she says, looking at him sadly.

 _Were._

He stands up and simply nods in agreement. He pretends not to have noticed that she backed into the door the second he stood up.

"We acted insane at times," she says softly, and he cannot help but chuckle at that.

 _Pepperwood. Elvis. The Captain._

 _Mars Landing._

He grimaces at the thought of that. He has never been able to recall what had made him say that, but if he could just remember, he'd feel so much better about it. At least that's what he's always thought.

"I miss that," she says, barely a whisper.

"We screamed at each other quite a lot," he mutters, taking abstep towards her. "We fought a lot, too."

"Believe it or not, I miss _that_ too," she says, smiling sadly at him.

He breathes in sharply and does not allow himself to think of what she's getting at.

"I miss that feeling, Nick," she says pleadingly. "I didn't even know I could feel that much but... that's just the way I loved you."

He stares at her, standing against his door in the pink bathrobe he loved so much. She's staring at him, the first signs of tears pooling in her eyes. He inches closer to her, so he's standing directly in front of her now. She looks up at him searchingly, and shakes her head once, letting out what sounds like a mix between a sob and chuckle.

"No, that was a lie," she says, shaking her head. "That's the way I love you."

"I love you too," he breathes, without even a second's hesitation.

He brings his hand up to rest on the door, placing it next to her face, and he kisses her. She's crying now, and kisses him back, hands bunching the material of his t-shirt. She holds on to him and pulls him further into him, as he nips at her lower lip. The familiarity of the way his hand and lips move against her make her moan against his lips. His hand drops from the door to circle around her back, easily engulfing her in his grasp, and the other threads into her hair. She takes his face into her hands, thumb gently grazing his cheekbone as he kisses her.

Both of them start to _feel_ again, and it feels _just right._

* * *

 **A/N: Yeah, I know the song doesn't end with a reunion, but I couldn't leave them broken up.**


End file.
